No Angel

Silence.

Bang-shut of the door completely mutes muffled voices,

as abrupt as the heater turned off

She huddles up and cries,

Dam of tears.

The shadow of loneliness looms around her, threatening to cripple.

She lights up a cigarette to ease the pain, but

her lips can’t stop trembling.

The cold wind slowly dries her tears,

She allows it to numb the fear

So all she feels is the cruel cold.

An empty house. Again.

Her footsteps echo off the walls

imitating the resonance of her loneliness.

Nobody sees her cry. Nobody knows.

She senses her state of déjà vu

What she swore will never happen again

Is right here,

belting a slap across her face.

She wants to pull them out

the roots of her pain

but she can no longer find the strength

And they no longer love her ..

If you have friends today, which you made since you were a little Kid, then any other new friends that you continue to maKe today, as an adult, will pale in comparison to them.

You may never (and most probably will never) make the Kinds of friends you had in childhood. Yeah, sure, you could have many things in common with your new friends, spend most of your time together and stuff, and feel really happy and comfortable with them or whatever. They could be really, really super duper nice to you and they may even be the Kind of person to be a potentially fantastic friend.

But you still couldn’t be as close to them as your other friends whom you’ve Known for years and years on end, even if you hardly spend much time with them. Why? One thing’s missing. History.

New friends, great as they are, simply don’t Know you as well as Old friends do. No matter how hard you try. You could try telling them all the stories that you can remember about yourself from the day you were born, but it still wouldn’t be the same. They weren’t there. They weren’t there when you were 5 years old and trying to be friends with your exciting new neighbour but not wanting to be too obvious about it. They weren’t there when your new neighbour just so happened to be as psyched as you were about being friends (maybe because you had a biKe and she didn’t) They weren’t there during all your birthday parties and they weren’t there to see you open your presents each and every year. They weren’t there to play the swings in the playground with you, or any of the other games like hopscotch, GETAH.. They weren’t there when you finally made the transition to the geeKiest, most awKward phase of your life , TEEN years. They weren’t there to maKe you laugh so hard, you’d remember why it was so funny 10 years later. They weren’t there to see you through your meaningless and meaningful crushes, weren’t there to take the shitty public bus with you to go to the mall, weren’t there to be at the mall with you trying to act cool and hoping to meet your meaningless/meaningful crushes. They weren’t there when you finally had your first boyfriend, weren’t there to see you cry in school for him or listen to all you had to say about him. They weren’t there when you finally had the courage to get over that sickeningly painful first love, weren’t there for all the sleepovers, for all the parties. They weren’t there to go to the same extra tuition with you, or to taKe the same school bus in the wee hours of the morning with you. They weren’t there to send you off at the airport before you went to college. They never had the opportunity to send you cards and letters indirectly saying how much they missed you. They weren’t there to return home for the holidays from college, where you guys partied and hung out and laughed just like the old times.

They weren’t there to personally see you grow up, transform, from no pimples to pimples and back to no pimples again. From ugly, natural hair to dyed hair to short hair to long and dyed hair to chemically straightened hair to permed hair and finally, to natural hair which you think is so beautiful now because you’re so sick of hair that’s not really yours. They weren’t there to learn about who you are, not because you told them This Is Who I Am but because they’ve seen you become who you are from all the experiences you had that shaped you that way and to accept whoever that you have become finally. They haven’t seen you in your worst possible state, they don’t Know your most embarrassing moments. They don’t KNOW you. Maybe they think they have some sort of a rough idea of what your character is liKe, but they don’t Know you, not the way your old friends do, in a way that surprise you, because you realise that they Know you even more than you Know yourself.

Your childhood is such an important period of your life. It’s the time when nothing is dull and things are always changing and when life was a totally exciting rollercoaster ride. It’s the crucial time that defines who you’ve become today. Your old friends were there with you during that time. In fact, they were a PART of that period.

So isn’t it justified that new friends could never take the place of old friends, no matter what or how things have changed. Because the friendship isn’t, and will never be, as deep. That’s the way it is. (Although I think this only applied to cases where old friends continue to be your friends today)

They may never have been your BEST friends, or they may have. Maybe you prefer to call them your good friends, or "close" friends, or simply, old friends. No matter what they are called, doesn’t matter if you believe in the existence of "best friends", these friends will always be just that little bit different from the rest. Because they’ve done more than just leave "footprints" in your heart, or memories. They were strategically placed in your life by God to sparkle up your life in that magical time of your childhood. They might even have helped define who you really are, shaped up your personality, or helped you decide who you want to be. They’ve given you the memories that you eventually rely on later in your life to bring you happiness, hope and laughter during the downest times of your life.

They’ve given you the gift of friendship like no one else has.

By now, a fair number of people would be aware of the uproar that Dan Brown has caused through his book titled Da Vinci Code. Frankly, I fail to fully comprehend why.

Mainly, the Christians are angry because the story tells of something which they think is untrue, rude and offensive to their religion.

I’m a Christian, a Catholic. I didn’t manage to go past Chapter 2 of the book because I didn’t have the time, but I did watch the movie. And I must say it was pretty entertaining. It raises a thought, though, and I think it has done the same for all Christians everywhere and this thought is probably the main reason for the debates, the defensive retorts, and the many forums created to voice the questions raised. What if there really IS a gospel out there which truly accounts for events that happened that nobody now knows of and it isn’t included in the bible? What if that gospel(s) changes everything that we have known, what if everything we thought we knew was a deception?

How much truth does the Bible contain? Or if all of it is true, is that all there is to it?

First, some basic facts. Obviously, the Bible didn’t fall from the sky. It was compiled by the Church Fathers. There were literally hundreds of gospels flying around in the earliest centuries AD, and it took the Church over 600 years to fully agree on which books should be included as divinely inspired. Until then, different local parishes had different sets of books. Finally, it was under the guidance of the Holy Spirit that the Church Fathers decided which books were to be included and which were spurious.

I personally believe in the Bible. I go to church, I pray, I try to stick to the 10 commandments. However, I am clear on the distinction between religion and God. Religion is a practice. It consists of rituals and protocols and is a medium to be closer to God. Religion is what people who have one thing in common, in this case God, do to express their faith. God, is simply God. And the Bible is not a result of religion. It is God’s message to us. It tells us what to do while we are here on earth, how to live our lives. Christianity, perhaps, is a result of the Bible.

God, however, is above all that. Should anything trample Christianity and all that I have been accustomed to, God is still my light and my source of faith. I will still do the things I believe is required of me in this lifetime, which is to ultimately love everyone around me and to show compassion and kindness. That makes sense to me, which is why I accept this religion and go to Church on Sundays and accept the Holy Communion. I don’t believe in God BECAUSE of Christianity, although it may be the other way around for many. I am a Christian because I believe in God and this is what he wants me to practise. But everytime I pray, everytime I seek guidance and love, it isn’t because Jesus wasn’t in fact married to Mary Magdalene, it is because I choose to obey the Lord. This is a God I know through His works in my life, because of what I have, and what I don’t have, I recognise His presence. He is everywhere in my life and in the life of others, and in everything in this world. You might call this blind faith. It is!

Further, so what if Jesus was married? How does that adversely change things? It has been more 2,000 years !!! How do we know what marriage truly meant at the time? Besides, wasn’t Jesus a man, wasn’t he human like us? Like Langdon said, why couldn’t he have a wife and yet perform all the glorious, amazing miracles that he did? Does being married imply he couldn’t possibly be the Son of God? And more importantly, how does that change what’s truly important; our way of life?

True, the Bible may have been compiled under the divine guidance of the Holy Spirit. I believe that. However, I also believe that nothing in this world is 100%, except God, although it is strange to describe God in percentage terms.

Once upon a time ago, didn’t people once think that the Earth was flat? Wasn’t that a well-known "fact"? Or not too long ago, that the Sun revolved around the Earth, and that the atom is indivisible and the most fundamental unit of matter until they broke it open and the protons and the electrons and the neutrons came pouring out? Before all this was discovered, weren’t they "facts"? Who can say for sure that somewhere in a dusty, old attic, filled with books and scriptures that are unknown to anyone for the last couple of thousand of years, and buried among them is a book written that details significant events of the time of Jesus, or before? What if it was burnt and lost forever?

And what if this is exactly what God had wanted? For us not to know? I wouldn’t know why, but WHAT IF? To remain completely and permanently closed to this possibility is an act of arrogance!

Finally, remember what being a Christian really is about. It may be necessary to stand up for what you believe in and defend and protect what you love from time to time. However, any anger stirred will be exactly the kind of thing that drifts you away from God. We must always remind ourselves of what God wants us to do and what to keep away from. Only in this way will peace reign within us Christians.

I hate moving. I hate it with a passion. It is the most disgusting, tiring (mentally and physically and emotionally) activity where you have to dig out all your entire belongings, discover new, strange things that never belonged to you, pack em all up, move EVERYTHING into the new home, UNPACK each box one by one, put everything into its rightful place again.

Whoa. I can’t believe the hellish nightmare I went through can be described in one short paragraph. Talk about unjustified. I’ve been in Aussie for only a little more than 2 years and yet I find myself repeating this process for the FOURTH time ??? Ridiculous! I swear to God, I’m staying put where I am now. I don’t care if the world stops spinning or if a cyclone hits me in my face I am NOT moving ever again and this is going to be my home for as long as it takes.

Oh, wait. I forgot to mention one really important, relevant thing. Moving is freakin expensive!!! Pay the movers, pay the cleaners and the steam cleaners, pay up old bills, pay for new connection fees, pay for the wear and tear of the apartment. Not forgetting my TIME? Considering I don’t always get to laze around my time is worth hell a lot of money too !!!

Don’t mean to whine. It’s just really annoying! Plus, I only just got the internet today. Which should be a good thing but I waited a week and a half for it ! Damn.

Anyway, everything else is great, though, I think. Still the occasional bouts of loneliness, but I’ll live. Exam timetable is out and it’s pretty fantastic!

My sister sent me a picture of the bridesmaid’s dress she is thinking of me wearing.

very pretttyy…. i like it ! but when i hinted at my sister about wanting something "yellow, slinky and long" , like, hmm, what Kate Hudson wore on How to Lose a Guy, she haughtily replied "Well, the theme for bridesmaids and groomsmen are black and white, PLUS, i’ve decided to wear a slimming gown myself, so no can do in case anybody gets confused about who the bride really is."

HMPH!

I deleted the last blog I posted.

Why? Because I read it again and I was rolling my eyes all the way because it was nothing more than the whining of a foolish, foolish yet blessed girl.

I admit I was momentarily blinded by some crazy, stupid impulse that raced through my body for no apparent reason, But my vision and mind are clear now and I have never been more sure of anything.

You wanna know what love is? This is how I see it.

Love will never be only about exhiliration and the intense pulse of your heart and the butterflies in the stomach. Sure, if you’re lucky enough to be able to go through the course of dating you would experience it but mind you it is only temporary. If those are the things you’re after then you’d be boyfriend hopping because they never last.  Those aren’t REAL. Those are just the side effects of being infatuated. And these are side effects that will go away with time.

LOVE, however, consists of all the boring things that we never want to succumb to.

Responsibility, accountability, trust, kindness, patience, tolerance, faithfulness.

And some other stuff that the bible quotes which I cannot remember now but NOTHING about it is exciting in any dimension.

But that’s exactly what it is. I mean, why else would a typical couple with kids who are ready to have kids of their own stay married? Like my own parents for example? Does anyone actually believe that whenever my mom sees my dad walk through the door at 6 pm everyday her heart jumps and all she wants to do is take his briefcase and kiss him hello and cuddle with him all night long to make up for the time he spent at work?

Does anyone actually believe that? Or that of any other set of parents?

I don’t. I’m not trying to be pessimistic here but this is what I call reality. Some really, really lucky ones could probably find themselves still feeling in love with each other even as they grow further and further into their marriage. (I’m hoping I could be one of those) But how many of us can actually get that? But if you’re old and your husband’s balding and you have no time for dinner for two or for sex, does that mean you’re gonna go out there and find someone who can make your heart race and then say I’m sorry I might seem selfish but all I’m trying to do is redefine my life and feel love again once more?

See how selfish selfishness can truly be? And just because everybody’s too tired for romance, the "love" is gone?? Is Love=Romance? Is that what love is; flowers and kisses, walking on a street hand-in-hand, sweet talk and movies? Does love merely include such activities or is that what love, to some people is all about?

Some may also actually find a problem with not wanting to let go of a long term relationship although the "love" isn’t there anymore because things have become convenient and comfortable. Looking at it in another way, what is the matter with being comfortable in a relationship? Isn’t that what everybody wants, eventually? To find someone to love, and be comfortable with, and to have him/her there for you all the time, or in one word, CONVENIENCE? *like it’s a dirty word*

I’ve found all this in someone and I couldn’t be more grateful. To be myself completely with someone, and yet know that he loves me still, perhaps even more, to have such an awesome, loyal companion and who will always, ALWAYS be there for me, to love his smell like how you used to love the smell of your old pillow. What a wonderful, wonderful gift from heaven! Why do people complain? Some have to go through their lives without ever finding such a thing. I’m one of the luckiest people on earth; I found a guy who can love my unconditionally and expresses it well, AND taught me how to love unconditionally in return.

Love may be free but it sure ain’t easy to work on. All of those things that the bible described love to be, I can’t remember them exactly now I might find it and retype it in a new post but point is, that is exactly what love is. It’s hardly like the stuff you see in the movies, it’s merely an unofficial commitment of sharing your life with that somebody you’ve chosen to love and working your ass off to make the relationship work. Like they say, love knows no boundaries. And if you truly love someone, you know better than to be selfish and hurtful.

With that, I declare my last blog a complete waste of time and no one should ever have to read that again.

thanks for reading.

KL Work Life Syndrome.

I’m definitely showing symptoms of it. I feel oppressed, dark, hopeless, and helpless. I miss Melbourne so much I imagine myself on my own Melbourne bed to rock myself to sleep.
KL is a horrible place to live and work in. It’s traffic jam on the streets and human jam on the trains! The uncivilized nature of the people here is mind-blowing. They don’t wait for people to get off the LRT and squirm with all their might into what little space there is left on the train whilst the poor passengers wanting to get out can only pray they don’t get trampled. I mean, hullo?! Whatever happened to the fundamental public transport rule of OUT first then IN? And you know what the worst part is? You can’t afford to stay on the side prim and proper and go by that rule yourself because if you do you’ll never get on that LRT. Shit! So, involuntarily, I have to join them cause I can’t beat them! I despise myself for succumbing myself to actions and values I just bitched about, but hell, everywhere you go, it’s the survival of the fittest.
I don’t eat well too. KL is a food haven only for the tourists. For people who live here, figuring out a way to eat healthy is the hardest part of everything. What are your options? You reach home at 8 p.m., too tired to even crack a smile, and you’re supposed to cook yourself up a fine, healthy dinner using only organic vegetables which, you can only assume is truly organic because the shopkeeper is an honest businessman? Where do you even get the good stuff, like the “ayam kampong” you’d use to boil soups with?
If you were in an advanced, systematic country, you know you could trust your government and so you would buy your fresh produce from normal supermarkets without so much of a thought. Good governments control the quality of foods so you know you wouldn’t poison yourself to death with those weed/pest control stuff that evil farmers use. And if you thought for a second that the Malaysian government was such a government, you don’t know Malaysia.
I thought I missed home while I was at Melbourne. I was definitely looking forward to coming here. But who was I kidding? KL isn’t home. It never will be.

These days, other than perhaps the occasional stroll through the mall, I’m really not doing anything at all that I truly want to do. EVERYTHING that I’m doing right now I’d actually really rather not. If I get hit by a car tomorrow and died, yeah you guessed it, my last thoughts would be like "Damn! I should have done this instead of that in my life and yada yada yada."

As aware of this as I am, I’m not doing anything to change anything. Yeah. I KNOW I’m trapped in this world where only routine makes any sense, and the only thing that’s preventing me from breaking free from it is, sadly, myself.

So anyway, don’t wanna dwell on this any more. However, what I WILL elaborate on is the things that I do want to do, things that keep my mind distracted while I’m trying to read the freakin uni textbook.

1) Skydive. All the time. And bungee jump and jet ski and all that crazy fun stuff.

2) Visit Italy.

3) Do nothing at home. Have nothing to do, no errands to run, nothing to settle, nothing nothing nothing. This is also directly related to

4) Watching TV all day long.

5) Read. I haven’t read the books that I want to read in, literally, years.

6) Go home to see my family and help them out in running errands.

7) Learn to surf and sail.

Learn breakdancing.

9) See the WORLD. See India, Africa, the North Pole, the South Pole, Mount Everest, the Arabian deserts, Hanging garden of Babylon (How in the world did that come about?!) I wanna see them all.

10) Be a retail store assistant. Especially for a designer I love so I can get staff discount! This may sound really silly and shallow but yeah, it’s probably one of my more realistic career dreams. "Size 10? I’ll grab that for you. That looks GREAT by the way" Strange, but I’d really really enjoy that.

11) Take pottery classes. I’ll make sure I scratch this off my list by next year. On the same note, take oil painting/painting classes. Learn all the poems worth learning, American history, Black slavery, Chinese history, media history, art history, and yeah, you get the idea. And NO, I’m a Finance and Economics student. I don’t have the freakin guts to go for what I want to learn in university. Double-degrees would have been cool, but then there’s the guilt about my dad spending too much on my uni degree, plus I have this time constraint where I’m in a hurry to go out there and make big bucks! At the same time I wanna take a year off after uni just doing nothing, taking a break. OMG my life is one indecisive mess!!!

12) Go shopping. But this isn’t too bad. I may not have time for mindless TV but somehow I have time for shopping although not as often as I would like.

13) I’d kill for a rollercoaster ride now. Any sort, long as they are one of those life-endangering, vommit-inducing and mental-health-challenging rides. I’d jump on in a flash.

14) Meet up with old friends and gab over Milo ping or something. Yeah that would be so so so fun!

15) Rock climbing, kickboxing.

16) Suntan on a beach, then cycling on the beachside streets and stopping for like ice cream or something. Absolute paradise.

17) Scuba dive; and complete my Rescue Diver license. That’d require a lot of swimming practice so yeah throw Swimming in I’d love to do that too.

18) Watch all the major, big-production, popular musicals and theatrical shows and plays.

19) Live in a ridiculously small shoebox in the heart of New York city and Hong Kong.

You know what this is starting to sound like a list of things I wanna do before I die! Or, no wait, before I turn 30. Before I DIE, wow that’s gonna be one exhaustive list!!!

So, this is it. My deepest, DEEPEST desires. Hopefully you won’t see me back here in 10 years’ time, still pathetically browsing through Friendster and typing a largely similar list of wantings. Fingers crossed!

Anyone watched the news lately?

Is it me having been ignorant in the past, or has there been this sudden, alarming increase in disasters in the world? The world hasn’t been all peace and happiness and perfection since the days of Adam and Eve, I know that, I’m not stupid. But come on!?! 5 hurricanes and 3 terrorist bombings all in a handful of months? And I might even have understated those figures; I don’t watch the news and this is what I gather from news commercials and scattered bits I get from eavesdropping on conversations in the tram.

And these aren’t just the ordinary annual hurricanes; all I need to say is Katrina and I think I’m pretty well understood.

And the terrorist attacks? BALI AGAIN?! Give those guys a break!! Actually I should stop now before I get too carried away and get a report for excessive offensive language.

Seriously, what’s wrong with the world? Is there no place I can feel safe except in the deserts of Osama-land? No wait a minute. That’s not good either cause then an American missile could blow my ass into liquid nothings.

Living in Melbourne city, where apparently it is one of the potential terrorist “targets” is unsettling. Those mental ninjas could be, at this moment, walking around my apartment building with some of those shrapnel bombs stuck to their bodies. In fact, I’m probably writing this blog in vain. I could get blown up, right now, even before I could type the word “word”. Oh no I haven’t, I’m still typing away, phew. And I swear I’m not being paranoid. Just a couple months back, around midnight, something was going on and we had all these policemen hanging around our apartment building and preventing us from walking out. Apparently, someone left a suspicious looking parcel right in the middle of the tram tracks. Which is HUGE considering the tram tracks are like 5 meters away from my building.

Fortunately, I’m obviously still alive today but who’s to say what’s gonna happen next, then? Being holed up in my own apartment sure isn’t gonna offer me any sort of safety whatsoever.

I remember watching Spiderman, Batman and Superman cartoons and their movies too, and thinking, this is all so fictitious. Being someone with a responsibility of preventing disastrous events from happening? In the real world, Spiderman would probably last 1 week before having to be admitted to Crazytown for suffering from a mental breakdown due to lack of sleep.

However, the difference between our real world, and all these superhero-man worlds? Simply is that the civilians in their world have those superheroes to feel grateful about.

Us? We’re on our own. Nobody’s going to stop those terrorists for us. As rich and advanced as the USA is, with all their top secret intelligence and mind-numbing technological discoveries, ain’t gonna stop these crazy turban-top people from blowing up whoever and wherever they please.

And God seems to be pretty mad at us, what with all these angry, unstoppable hurricanes He’s been throwing at us. Doesn’t seem likely that he’d zap all these Abu-Sh*t-Crap people into pigs for us.

We need to get us some Spiderman. Or Batman. Superman’s infamous red underwear makes me cringe though. Some Jesus in the world would be great.

So that’s how it is, life. Keep watching the news and feeling afraid, praying hard and hoping it’d never happen to you or your family or your friends, every day that you’re alive you count your blessings and you pray more, for one more day of peace, one more day of life, and that’s how it’s gonna be.

That’s how it’s going to be.